I'm feeling blue :)

What are the signs and symptoms of anorexia nervosa?

Weight loss of at least 15 per cent below the normal ideal body weight for a person of the same age and height.

Cessation of periods or delayed development in puberty.
Self-induced weight loss.

Methods can include fasting, low food intake, excessive exercise, diuretic medicines (medicines that make you urinate more) laxatives, diet pills or vomiting.

Sometimes people make themselves sick to lose weight. Others take excessive exercise.
Sufferers have a constant fear of gaining weight, as well as a feeling of being fat, even when their weight is much less than that of other people of the same height.

Sufferers may feel bloated, even after a small meal.

They may lose interest in socialising with friends.

Other side effects include tiredness, feeling cold, constipation and stomachache.

Some patients also develop additional disorders such as bulimia.

Today is June 11th n I woke up at 7.30am....eeee....I was so damn sleepy, but I forced myself because need to be at the University before 9...yesterday I had s small plate of cut honeydew and a set of waffle with peanut butter filling. I starved myself n hoping that I won't feel hungry till night, but I was wrong. I know that what I should do for a proper diet but I'm tired of doing that...Ya Allah please give me the strength..aminn...

Well, anorexia nervosa, I came across with this so called 'psychologically sickness' years back when I was in the university. Well during that time no one really bothers about that sickness, among my friends what I mean. I was really huge, mmmm around 96kg I would say. Isn't that overweight? Yeah, I was 96kg about 7 years back. It all started when I was in the final semester of my study when I started to realize that I AM FAT!

I went to see a doctor and got this appetite suppressant pills and the pills really work! I exercised excessively, did not take sugar at all, no rice but only bread, smoked like a chimney and didn't even think of food. The worst part is I was really scared of seeing food and sometimes I purged myself whenever I eat...yeah I did that...

As time goes by, 3 months of taking that "magic pills ", I lost 25kg! Gosh! That was amazing! Nevertheless, I still wanted to lose some weight, never satisfied of what I saw in the huge mirror attached to my personal wardrobe. One unlucky day, I fell sick. I felt like flying whenever I walked and at one point felt like could not stand anymore. No strength Went to see the doctor and got scolded by her. Low blood pressure and low sugar level..oh, does my balding problem is because of that too or it is the hereditary? Mmm..pity me...

Yeah today, when I think of that moment, it was the time, the time when I manage to get my ideal weight. I was a bonny and skinny, but not today. Soon I'll get back my flying career but what really bugging my mind how to loose weight in a short period? It is soooo impossible...Hence, I started to starve myself since 3days ago...telling my friends "I'm on diet" is not a WEIRDO thing to my talking lips but it never works. Exercising alone isn't enough. I'm tired of doing that. Yesterday I pushed myself to go to the fitness centre in Subang. 30mins on the cross-ramp, 15mins on the mill and 10mins in the steam-bath...

It's ok, I should do something, eat properly, less calories, carbo and fat. I should drink gallons of plain water, cut-off on ciggy, eat on time and have enough sleep..can I do that? Most of the time I really stressed-up because of this as my refresher class with the national carrier is around the corner. What I heard is that the "grooming police" is getting more stringent, freakier and freakier when it comes to revealing baby fat and definitely they're going to ask about my cropped haircut. Who cares!

I will always be me...

Those days...

Those days when everyday of my life I have to pack and unpack, but now it's different. No more thinking of food to be dumped into the check-in bag, t-shirts to be matched with pants or jeans, cap, DVD player, CD and DVDs, winter jackets, etc..etc... Now it's totally different, out of the norm!! urgghhh!!!!!

Those days I don't have to worry about spending on stuffs that I like and stuffs that I need, but sometimes I ended up buying things that I don't really need..well, who cares, it's my money....

Now, it's totally different, I have to be very stingy to myself to buy things and even food. At least I can fulfill my dream to get skinnier again..hehehe...But what really bothers me is the unstable financial problem. Yeah sometimes when we have money, we never realize that what will hit us in the future...human is always a human...Now as a normal human who lives in this reality world without any "limelight" and so called complacent and glamorous job, I really feel that I'm incomplete..sounds ridiculous huh...but it's true..

Those days, whenever I feel like going back home in Miri, I won't think much of the air-fare because definitely I'll get 75% discount for a staff of the National Carrier. I'm proud to be one of the family (is it?) I can go back anytime I like but now it's different...insyaAllah I'll get back to it soon...

Those days I don't have to think on what shirt to be matched with a tailored-pants as well as a neck-tie to complement those but now I have to crack my balding head to think of that...well, now I'm resting my backside on this blue office chair doing nothing. I'm employed by one of the private universities in Shah Alam. Working here is tiring, mentally, physically and psychologically exhausted..don't ask me why, only those who have worked here and are working here know. But I have no choice, I need to pay my bills and to fill-up myself with healthy food..Thank god it's a 3weeks semester break, the university is not damn packed with cars, students, outsiders, lecturers, staff yadda yadda yadda.... I could park my car under the canopy, my favourite spot, where a bulging tummy 'Pak-Guard' will stand stiffly with a fierce face unemotionally. Whatever!

Those days, I only mingle around with people who really into fashion, fabulous gossips, shopping, and those who only talk about flights and vice versa. But now, I'm with a group of academician, which I am supposed to be one of them long time ago but I refused. I'm happy being around them because they are friendly, helpful, full of gossips (which I really like!), people with brains and sometimes we're like in a joyous winter cage! ahaks! The room is full of laughter, screams and more! I just could not imagine that...people are decreasing here...one has gone, another one is partly gone, soon another one and I will be gone too and nobody is coming in..why?

Those days were the days when I found myself in a real world...I got the destiny to be in other peoples' worlds and lands...hot, cold, windy, dusty, smelly and more..I've been there...Well, life goes on, no point of feeling gloomy or crying in the heart...

It's time to get something to munch, kinda starving. I had only a sandwich and a glass of milk...well, to be continued...